“We see people and things not as they are, but as we are”
24 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in Helpful Quotes, Spiritual Nourishment Tags: Anthony DeMello, book, life advice, life coach, pizzeria, quotes, relationships, self-improvement, shopping
…and apparently it is one of the biggest relationships` destructive power.
Anthony DeMello`s thought inspired me to share my opinion on unrealistic expectations and its impact on relationships.
Our expectations act as a filter for our thoughts that dictate our behavior and develop a framework for all our relationships… We expect people to share similar opinions, values, views and behave within the boundaries of these preset expectations. At times we falsely believe that others should feel the same emotions such as happiness, sadness, embarrassment, anger, etc that we feel when certain incidents occur in their life. We transfer our expectations to their situation, expecting them to have a reaction, which is in line with our mindset. Let`s take a look at what happens when you do a favor for your close friend? Of course, you invariably expect that person to be appreciative. When the person fails to display the expected gratitude, or if you feel that the reaction is not as genuine as you thought it should have been, you begin to feel disappointed, restless, and sometimes even angry or upset and start to think that the person doesn`t appreciate your efforts and gestures. You usually never show your disappointment to the outside world , but on the inside you feel unsatisfied in the relationship. The depth of all those negative feelings depends on the level of effort and the emotional connection with the person. But no matter what the type of reaction you are having, the relationship is not fulfilling your emotional needs.
But why is it so? We all think that our view of the world is the right one. Learning to accept yourself and others is the way to start. We are all unique individuals that flourish best as we become truer to our authentic selves.
So what does setting realistic expectations mean and how can it help you to build and improve your relationships?
Having realistic expectations in relationships means to observe the persons as they are, not as you wish they were. It means trying to understand their behavior, and allow their personal thinking process control their destiny. We need to stop riding the illusionary train that only our way gets to the desired destination or goal. Acceptance and understanding that all people are unique individuals and that their judgments and beliefs could differ from ours is crucial. When we do that, we allow ourselves to stop pushing our demands on others, which is a healthy thing to do.
Let`s do a short exercise
For a moment, disconnect yourself from activity and take a deep breath, think about the unrealistic expectation that you have placed on another person. Ask yourself – ‘Could you allow the other persons to be authentic to themselves without your control? Could you refrain from placing your expectations on this situation? Could you get comfortable with the outcome even if it is different from your preset expectation? ‘Can you visualize yourself congratulating them on the outcome, when your own feelings, beliefs, hopes, and desires for your loved ones were neglected?
Begin looking at your relationships realistically to identify the changes you need to introduce. Of course, it is natural to feel anxious and resist change when you realize that you are shifting from a familiar path. However, you must also know that when you decide to replace your expectations with a truthful unbiased evaluation of the situation, you will be able to develop a stronger more satisfying relationship.
To help you to understand my point better I would like to share with you a real life example. In one of my seminars, I met Joyce, an accountant working for a law firm. She was usually busy the entire week except for weekends. Her husband, employed as a sales manager in a pharmaceutical company, could find time only during weekends as well. On Saturday evening and Sunday morning, Joyce’s husband went to play golf without fail. It was his way of relaxing and unwinding. Joyce wanted him to stay at home during weekends so they could spend time together. When her husband invited her for golf, she rejected that solution because she didn`t like golf. Her husband wouldn’t leave playing golf despite Joyce complaining over and over again. Arguments began to crop up and the relationship began to sour.
When I first started talking to Joyce, she was angry and resentful towards her husband. Slowly, I made her realize that she needed to present a compromised solution showing she understood his requirements to refresh his mind with a golf game after a long week of hard work. She suggested that they meet for lunch at a restaurant they both liked after he was done playing and spend a nice afternoon together. She became comfortable suggesting solutions that fulfilled her needs also and their relationship healed steadily. With a little planning and preparation both parties can get their needs met.
When we start embracing the idea that everyone can get their needs met and show the courage to change our own behavior, we stop getting disappointed with our unmet expectations. Our relationships flower blissfully, deeply rooted in authenticity and love. To find more real life examples and techniques on improving relationships pick up my last book ‘If you want an eggroll, get out of the Pizzeria’ (available here: My Official Website).
“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.”
Anthony DeMello
Start questioning!
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